oneveronica

on the way

On the wind

This stormy summer in Toronto has been full of ominous clouds and glorious sunsets.  I am learning to relate to God, not through creation, but in the light of creation, with creation, never placing matter above spirit.

I made a clear decision in May to deepen my discipleship.  I had become over-intellectual and resting in an emotional condition that was paralyzed with fear.  I had finally been able to build a loving relationship with my soul mate, and of course, it’s not easy, the depth of injury- the pain to clear in and between us was dense and that density scared me. I felt so angry that it wasn’t ‘easier’ to be IN LOVE.  The fear that maybe we weren’t meant for each other, or that it was too difficult to grow in Love and Truth together was so pronounced I was inundated with spirit attack and manipulations- all was confused- I was scared and got to a breaking point.

I felt directed over and over again to make a meeting with the priest who works across the street from me.  At first I ignored the direction, insecure about what I felt and thought about Divine Truth, Jesus, Mary and the Church and how I would be able to coherently speak to someone who has made christian life their vocation about what was stirring in my soul.

I was attending some of the evening services because I liked singing and the sermons were often challenging and more and more through lent and Easter season I felt the presence of God’s Truth in every moment.  When I learned that the priest had been going through some big emotional changes, releasing old false beliefs and challenging himself I felt much more comfortable approaching him…but still it took a crisis to get me to make the appointment. I am so stubborn, a little less so now, but it’s a deep feeling of rebellion I’m working out.

I was directed to speak openly and honestly with him- that he was someone I could trust to work out the Truth that I have been learning and experimenting with.  I was not disappointed.  God is good at these appointments.  I told him how my art had stalled, my work had stalled, my dependencies on the men in my life are hurting me and them and I’m overwhelmed with the implications of all I’m learning, not knowing how to move forward.

God makes Himself known through how we treat each other.  So much has come up and moved around because of this decision and the direction to REACH OUT.  Being with other believers is really important, and I was shown how each other’s presence is like a ripple in each other’s souls, and the waters keep changing as we keep relating.

I’ve been studying, praying and writing everyday.  The bad days are not as bad, I’m cleaning up.  I am acting more on the Divine Direction I receive, as I have begun to humble myself to feel the truth about my false beliefs about God and my feeling of being a rebel.  Thank you Jesus, Thank you Mary, Thank you priest across the street whose name I’ll keep to myself for now.

I am building the psycho-emotional-spiritual space IN me to receive God’s Love in Great abundance, just as She desires it so.

***observable pattern in my recent change***

  • FEAR accumulated when I was holding on to feelings of superiority/inferiority; Pride, vanity; idol worship, a desire to KNOW WHY before going forward; a lack of FAITH…I kept demanding PROOFs.
  • The Fear I released was actually very specific to how to be in relationship with my soul mate, and what we desire to do in the world.
  • My old habit of self-punishment took over when I finally got into feeling about Pride, Vanity etc.
  • Humility is something that I have thought I had- but I was faking it most of the time.
  • I have been praying in new and deeply devotional ways that I used to judge with cynicism.  God given direction to kneel? or a deep wave of love and gratitude that moves me to full supplication… This is were and when I’m learning more truth in my soul about humility.
  • I must now make the the emotional choice to let go of my parental association with the Almighty.  This prospect seems easy- I’ve faced off with this idea before- now in my writing I can see so clearly how much I have sacrificed because of my parents judgement, how I learned to self-punish from them…but most importantly right now I NEED to uncover WHY I CONTINUE to feel these things this way.  I haven’t fully emancipated myself from them yet- this is the big challenge of my 33rd year of life on earth.

Your Sister,

Veronica

 

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On Time

I am with my soul mate. For 2 and a half years I have known and now I am knowing him.  On June 20-21 we found Love in, around and between each other and we have been growing together since then. Jeffery and I are on The Way and following our desires to make art and music and fulfill our potential.

We have begun work on a few interrelated projects, one being a MOBILE SANCTUARY where we play with the concept of space, emotional space, defining space and changing space.  It is a timeless activity that really connects me to other dimensions, and this project clearly portrays how our emotions create our experience.  When we build space and call it sanctuary, with the most Loving intentions, God, by Her Holy Spirit moves mountains in the souls of people willing to move and be moved by the space.

I have finally recovered from a long weekend of timelessness.

The Art installation that Jeffrey and I have been creating and experimenting with is essentially material and rope and with that we play with space and time.

For the Blue Moon festivities at Hanlan’s Point we were prepared with lessons from the previous weekend at FIGMENT Participatory art festival and the desire to share this experience with our friends.

We were chasing the sun as it was setting on the far side of the island…late…late? We kept reminding ourselves that everything is in perfect time and perfect order and we are learning and growing with each breath, step, feeling flowing through. As we walked across the island, there was a storm coming in from the west.

When we arrived at the beach there was a very large group of people around a large fire.  Laughter bounced up into the fresh dusk air like the embers from the fire.  The winds were picking up so we decided to build the tent first before going to the fire.  As we put our things inside the tent we paused, grateful for the completion of our journey to the party and an opportunity alone before encountering our large group, including some people who we had emotional baggage with.  We ate some grapes and then the rain began.

He went to find the dog. I tucked the rest of our things into the tent and held it down against the growing winds.  We were at the edge of a very serious storm.  After 15 minutes I realized I had to leave the tent and go to the fire.  I ensured it wouldn’t blow away…at least not far and I took my scarf off my shoulders so the rain could refresh my skin.  The winds were so strong I had to push my way through space, making it a longer journey to the fire and my hair was whipping around my head obstructing my view, as I approached I saw a friend, Jeffery’s previous partner, whom I had not seen since Jeff and I began spending time together.  She was aware I had feelings for him and that there was something special between us, but still, being young and often dramatic, as I was when I was that age, I wasn’t sure how the encounter would go, but God is merciful.  It was a swirling storm around us, she saw me and put down her bag and guitar, came over to me with a smile and we hugged. We noted we hadn’t seen each other since OM and since…(insert knowing smiles here) She asked me how I was, I said “amazing”.  We took in the winds and the rain and the storm as we both felt swept into a timeless moment of truth and Love. I asked her how she was she said “Good”. We allowed our hearts to be lifted and carried in the wind, allowing the change, the big change.  “it’s Perfect” Of course.  She, with her group of friends then went to take shelter at another location on the island and I went closer to the fire and took my place opposite my soul mate, staring into his eyes, into eternity.

Later that evening I walked alone to the water to gaze at the moon, as clouds rolled past it, and a friend, who I betrayed, walked out and joined me for a beautiful connection that opened a portal to heaven and brought us all closer to Love.  Love of self, Forgiveness of others, Love of others, Forgiveness of self, Love of God, Love of self….The forgiveness and the TRUTH opened the sky, the clouds parted, the moon was gracing light on the Love we were sharing.  Our friends at the fire responded to that light, that Love with howls and cheers, we felt heaven on earth, timelessness and our capacity to sustain it is near.

Jeffrey and I are going to be creating space for a 48hr VIGIL for Our Rights and Freedoms this weekend. The Mobile Human Rights Sanctuary.  This project will bring together my political, artistic and spiritual work.  I am very excited for this experience, it’s here in perfect time and perfect order.

 

 

On key

Music and art can create a portal to and from the heavenly realms.

I have been learning and growing my voice again recently, and since finishing up an intense 3 months of serious political activism my musicality has given me a direct line to healing.

So much of my time working on the political is also about learning how to improve our collective capacity to learn, engage and apply truth.  I see more and more people getting into harmony with the Truth of what government IS and the Truth about the wide implications of self-responsibility.  It has been encouraging.

I spent the summer solstice at a music festival where there is a safe space for feeling all feelings, processing, challenging and growing.  In the end I was relieved to discover that although I still hold fear of judgement and ridicule, and isolation, it is not as dense or as large a fear inside my soul as it was.  I have cleared some of that fear pack out!

As I spend the summer focused mostly on art and music making I am looking forward to sharing all these emotions creatively.

An Open Letter to the Canadian Senate on Bill C-51

On the activism I’ve been doing since february 27th.

frustratedboomers

There are few moments in time so pivotal to a nation’s ongoing health and democracy. Such a moment is facing you, as you decide how you will cast your vote on Bill C-51. The question is: will Canadians continue to live in freedom and peace, or bow to a largely non-existent threat that calls for national paranoia, fear and the silence of her citizens?

Those of you who will make this decision, those of you who hold Canada’s future in your hands, have an enormous weight on your shoulders. Do you abide by partisan lines, obeying your country’s Prime Minister and his directives, no matter how potentially dangerous they may be? Or do you rise to this occasion and tell the truth – that Bill C-51 is a travesty, a declaration of war not on terrorism, but rather an assault on Canada that fundamentally contravenes rights and freedoms that are…

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Self-Honesty is True Safety

On Beautiful Aloneness

Womb Of Light

'The Inner Ocean' by Christian Schloe

Many of us feel fearful that if we become the powerful women we’re meant to be, then we will be seen as a threat to those around us. We may hide our light so as not to offend others or trigger their insecurities. The child in us fears that claiming our full individuality will cause us to be left alone. Understandably, this aloneness was very threatening to us as children. But there is a different kind of aloneness that we may find in adulthood, an aloneness that is a kind of nourishment.

The lotus that is born from the healing of trauma is a lotus that never dies. As Eckhart Tolle might say, it is the “good that has no opposite.” I believe this lotus is born from the aloneness we must face in healing from childhood trauma. The willingness to feel this aloneness fully can give way to…

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On “emotional processing”

It has been a long first two weeks of the year. Deep processing. Words don’t describe, but I just want to say how lucky I feel to have had training in theatre- to feel freedom in expressing myself physically and verbally. Now that I have allowed myself to be honest with myself, surrendered to who I am becoming, who God made me to be, I can feel the feelings out, unafraid of how it looks, sounds, feels.

One of my acting teachers was very influential in helping me accept and allow my self-expression;
“The audience wants to see your vulnerability, that is your power, that is the truth and people crave truth.”

Tonight I went out- the first time in 10 days. I needed to cry multiple times, I let tears go- and twice I left for the bathroom. One time I suppressed it and I talked about suppressing it as it was happening, fully aware and with my best friend who is as supportive as he can be.

It was a good test for my humility.

I can’t describe the synchronicity that is happening in my life right now- It’s wild, it’s confronting, it is inspiring, it’s me turned on to God.

I’m back home now with more emotional baggage brought into light to unpack- but unlike most of the last month I am no longer in despair…. actually I am hopeful.

I am hopeful because I engaged my will to get closer to God and I can feel the positive results of that engagement. I’m engaged to God. 😉

Still not praying for Divine Love enough…. still got some self-worth beliefs to detangle.

Detangling patriarchy, detangling sexual projections, detangling emotional attachments, detangling self-concept, detangling love from addictions.

The insights and help from guides have been out-of-this-world. I am starting to feel that craving for God’s Truth…. Crave more truth, allow feelings, insights, integration and repeat. My heart literally beats stronger. Thank you God.

On, not off

So I surrendered, and I received, and the light filled every crack of my soul- and there were more cracks than I knew before, but now I know, and I can never unknown.

I have been feeling completely overwhelmed with grief and feelings of self-hatred over the last few weeks. Seeing myself honestly in a way I’ve never seen myself before, feeling disgusted with myself in a way I’ve never felt before. I pray everyday for help to investigate these emotional injuries, errors and their causes.

“Oh, that thing I did, I said, I thought, I felt…oh no no no, I am so horrible” I could keep repeating this script to myself for thousands of years, but that would be hopeless, ignorant, and just another sin on my soul. When people talk about resilience they are talking about what I am praying for everyday.

I am keeping myself turned ON, listening, praying, borrowing grace from a place deep within my soul that is not hopeless, that is the seed of the potential, the piece of me that is already won for God.

My sensitivities to spirit influence are helping me feel when I am being hooked into through feelings of worthlessness, wretchedness, and self-pity. slowly but surely I am becoming aware of their influence over my internal monologue. I am on to them, thanks to God and that little seed of hope.

9 months ago I prayed for help in resolving gender issues as that was my greatest block to receiving God’s Divine Love and improving our relationship. I now see the patterns clearly, I am repenting and I am forgiving, I am healing…. and I am struggling with feeling I deserve healing, but at least I am struggling, I have not given up, I am on it.

On Surrender

Last week I thought it was weakness, a few days ago I realized it is softness and I had surrendered.

I don’t know much, but I know i love God and a few hours ago I prayed and meditated and received God’s Love. The rain, or reign of truth has only just begun in my life.

I feel refreshed after a few months of hardening, of doubting, of fear and addiction- I choose to seek refreshment and my earnest heart was washed.

My Faith is building again- if it isn’t being built, it is being ignored and increasingly irrelevant to how you move through each day.

John 15:16
“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit–fruit that will last–and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.”

Lucky number 13.

This post marks a moment in time when I closed the door on the past and again choose to move towards God.  To live up to my potential, my promise, with God’s help, through Her, in Her, of Her.

 

Why it’s Crucial for Women to Heal the Mother Wound

On womanhood, generational emotional patterns, and injury

Womb Of Light

What many people do not realize is that the core issue at the center of women’s empowerment is the mother wound.

ElizabethBauman

Difficulty and challenges between mothers and daughters are rampant and widespread but not openly spoken about. The taboo about speaking about the pain of the mother wound is what keeps it in place and keeps it hidden in shadow, festering and out of view.

What exactly is the mother wound?

The mother wound is the pain of being a woman passed down through generations of women in patriarchal cultures. And it includes the dysfunctional coping mechanisms that are used to process that pain.

The mother wound includes the pain of:

  • Comparison: not feeling good enough
  • Shame: consistent background sense that there is something wrong with you
  • Attenuation: Feeling you must remain small in order to be loved
  • Persistent sense of guilt for wanting more than you currently have

The…

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On the Busy Bus

Where have I been? Have I been learning? truly living? or just getting through the day? Surviving the night?

I have been busy following desires that involved art, theatre, community, and learning.

The feedback from the business I’ve been doing has been very interesting. I feel challenged and question if my passion is actually storytelling. Eventually the adrenaline of performance kicks in and everything feels all right- enough so that I want to dive into the next project.

but first I must dissect what I learned from these past two experiences.

1. My gender issues are FAR FAR FAR from resolved.
2. My facade is still really strong and sometimes I find myself again after a few days or even a couple weeks of denial
3. I do not like promoting.
4. I do like challenging myself with art and finding a way to make enough money doing art.
5. I really don’t love myself properly- I’m addicted to some very specific kinds of attention.
6. I am prideful about being a risk taker- challenging convention, being the change.
7. I’ve spent way too much time in fear- frozen, and everything suffers when I freeze, most importantly my soul degrades with every moment I do not believe the TRUTH. I could ask better questions, offer better answers and love myself, God and others better if I healed my fear.

I spent October doing business and focused on feeling fear. I broke through a few false beliefs; but it was just the beginning.

I really like to move with the seasons- so October- the beginning of fall- the lead up to Halloween felt really easy to allow fear to move through me and I felt very proud of making fear the focus….

Now after one recovery week I am getting busy before the holidays- busy with the holidays.

Am I still willing to feel the fear? how will I create a safe space to do this in the busy?

I’ve been much more aware of all my addictions since my month long allowance of fear- I can’t possible wait until it feels seasonally appropriate to feel fear to continue this work.

Maybe if I make the focus- feeling and healing my addictions- which are so intimately related to fear- maybe then I will cut through the busy and continue to learn and grow.

Anyway- I’m back posting- taking the time, stretching it and warping it in emotion, for healing.