On Beautiful Aloneness
It has been a long first two weeks of the year. Deep processing. Words don’t describe, but I just want to say how lucky I feel to have had training in theatre- to feel freedom in expressing myself physically and verbally. Now that I have allowed myself to be honest with myself, surrendered to who I am becoming, who God made me to be, I can feel the feelings out, unafraid of how it looks, sounds, feels.
One of my acting teachers was very influential in helping me accept and allow my self-expression;
“The audience wants to see your vulnerability, that is your power, that is the truth and people crave truth.”
Tonight I went out- the first time in 10 days. I needed to cry multiple times, I let tears go- and twice I left for the bathroom. One time I suppressed it and I talked about suppressing it as it was happening, fully aware and with my best friend who is as supportive as he can be.
It was a good test for my humility.
I can’t describe the synchronicity that is happening in my life right now- It’s wild, it’s confronting, it is inspiring, it’s me turned on to God.
I’m back home now with more emotional baggage brought into light to unpack- but unlike most of the last month I am no longer in despair…. actually I am hopeful.
I am hopeful because I engaged my will to get closer to God and I can feel the positive results of that engagement. I’m engaged to God. 😉
Still not praying for Divine Love enough…. still got some self-worth beliefs to detangle.
Detangling patriarchy, detangling sexual projections, detangling emotional attachments, detangling self-concept, detangling love from addictions.
The insights and help from guides have been out-of-this-world. I am starting to feel that craving for God’s Truth…. Crave more truth, allow feelings, insights, integration and repeat. My heart literally beats stronger. Thank you God.
So I surrendered, and I received, and the light filled every crack of my soul- and there were more cracks than I knew before, but now I know, and I can never unknown.
I have been feeling completely overwhelmed with grief and feelings of self-hatred over the last few weeks. Seeing myself honestly in a way I’ve never seen myself before, feeling disgusted with myself in a way I’ve never felt before. I pray everyday for help to investigate these emotional injuries, errors and their causes.
“Oh, that thing I did, I said, I thought, I felt…oh no no no, I am so horrible” I could keep repeating this script to myself for thousands of years, but that would be hopeless, ignorant, and just another sin on my soul. When people talk about resilience they are talking about what I am praying for everyday.
I am keeping myself turned ON, listening, praying, borrowing grace from a place deep within my soul that is not hopeless, that is the seed of the potential, the piece of me that is already won for God.
My sensitivities to spirit influence are helping me feel when I am being hooked into through feelings of worthlessness, wretchedness, and self-pity. slowly but surely I am becoming aware of their influence over my internal monologue. I am on to them, thanks to God and that little seed of hope.
9 months ago I prayed for help in resolving gender issues as that was my greatest block to receiving God’s Divine Love and improving our relationship. I now see the patterns clearly, I am repenting and I am forgiving, I am healing…. and I am struggling with feeling I deserve healing, but at least I am struggling, I have not given up, I am on it.