On the Busy Bus

Where have I been? Have I been learning? truly living? or just getting through the day? Surviving the night?

I have been busy following desires that involved art, theatre, community, and learning.

The feedback from the business I’ve been doing has been very interesting. I feel challenged and question if my passion is actually storytelling. Eventually the adrenaline of performance kicks in and everything feels all right- enough so that I want to dive into the next project.

but first I must dissect what I learned from these past two experiences.

1. My gender issues are FAR FAR FAR from resolved.
2. My facade is still really strong and sometimes I find myself again after a few days or even a couple weeks of denial
3. I do not like promoting.
4. I do like challenging myself with art and finding a way to make enough money doing art.
5. I really don’t love myself properly- I’m addicted to some very specific kinds of attention.
6. I am prideful about being a risk taker- challenging convention, being the change.
7. I’ve spent way too much time in fear- frozen, and everything suffers when I freeze, most importantly my soul degrades with every moment I do not believe the TRUTH. I could ask better questions, offer better answers and love myself, God and others better if I healed my fear.

I spent October doing business and focused on feeling fear. I broke through a few false beliefs; but it was just the beginning.

I really like to move with the seasons- so October- the beginning of fall- the lead up to Halloween felt really easy to allow fear to move through me and I felt very proud of making fear the focus….

Now after one recovery week I am getting busy before the holidays- busy with the holidays.

Am I still willing to feel the fear? how will I create a safe space to do this in the busy?

I’ve been much more aware of all my addictions since my month long allowance of fear- I can’t possible wait until it feels seasonally appropriate to feel fear to continue this work.

Maybe if I make the focus- feeling and healing my addictions- which are so intimately related to fear- maybe then I will cut through the busy and continue to learn and grow.

Anyway- I’m back posting- taking the time, stretching it and warping it in emotion, for healing.