This stormy summer in Toronto has been full of ominous clouds and glorious sunsets. I am learning to relate to God, not through creation, but in the light of creation, with creation, never placing matter above spirit.
I made a clear decision in May to deepen my discipleship. I had become over-intellectual and resting in an emotional condition that was paralyzed with fear. I had finally been able to build a loving relationship with my soul mate, and of course, it’s not easy, the depth of injury- the pain to clear in and between us was dense and that density scared me. I felt so angry that it wasn’t ‘easier’ to be IN LOVE. The fear that maybe we weren’t meant for each other, or that it was too difficult to grow in Love and Truth together was so pronounced I was inundated with spirit attack and manipulations- all was confused- I was scared and got to a breaking point.
I felt directed over and over again to make a meeting with the priest who works across the street from me. At first I ignored the direction, insecure about what I felt and thought about Divine Truth, Jesus, Mary and the Church and how I would be able to coherently speak to someone who has made christian life their vocation about what was stirring in my soul.
I was attending some of the evening services because I liked singing and the sermons were often challenging and more and more through lent and Easter season I felt the presence of God’s Truth in every moment. When I learned that the priest had been going through some big emotional changes, releasing old false beliefs and challenging himself I felt much more comfortable approaching him…but still it took a crisis to get me to make the appointment. I am so stubborn, a little less so now, but it’s a deep feeling of rebellion I’m working out.
I was directed to speak openly and honestly with him- that he was someone I could trust to work out the Truth that I have been learning and experimenting with. I was not disappointed. God is good at these appointments. I told him how my art had stalled, my work had stalled, my dependencies on the men in my life are hurting me and them and I’m overwhelmed with the implications of all I’m learning, not knowing how to move forward.
God makes Himself known through how we treat each other. So much has come up and moved around because of this decision and the direction to REACH OUT. Being with other believers is really important, and I was shown how each other’s presence is like a ripple in each other’s souls, and the waters keep changing as we keep relating.
I’ve been studying, praying and writing everyday. The bad days are not as bad, I’m cleaning up. I am acting more on the Divine Direction I receive, as I have begun to humble myself to feel the truth about my false beliefs about God and my feeling of being a rebel. Thank you Jesus, Thank you Mary, Thank you priest across the street whose name I’ll keep to myself for now.
I am building the psycho-emotional-spiritual space IN me to receive God’s Love in Great abundance, just as She desires it so.
***observable pattern in my recent change***
- FEAR accumulated when I was holding on to feelings of superiority/inferiority; Pride, vanity; idol worship, a desire to KNOW WHY before going forward; a lack of FAITH…I kept demanding PROOFs.
- The Fear I released was actually very specific to how to be in relationship with my soul mate, and what we desire to do in the world.
- My old habit of self-punishment took over when I finally got into feeling about Pride, Vanity etc.
- Humility is something that I have thought I had- but I was faking it most of the time.
- I have been praying in new and deeply devotional ways that I used to judge with cynicism. God given direction to kneel? or a deep wave of love and gratitude that moves me to full supplication… This is were and when I’m learning more truth in my soul about humility.
- I must now make the the emotional choice to let go of my parental association with the Almighty. This prospect seems easy- I’ve faced off with this idea before- now in my writing I can see so clearly how much I have sacrificed because of my parents judgement, how I learned to self-punish from them…but most importantly right now I NEED to uncover WHY I CONTINUE to feel these things this way. I haven’t fully emancipated myself from them yet- this is the big challenge of my 33rd year of life on earth.