oneveronica

on the way

On Nakedness

Emotional nakedness. Physical nakedness. Dreams. Art. Fear of a man’s anger.

These are the things I think of when considering nakedness.

I’ve been facing the wall of avoidance that I have been choosing instead of feeling the deep grief and terror that caused me to commit unloving actions, such as the abortions mentioned in the previous post.

What I have learned is that I built an arsenal of avoidance tactics out of fear of judgment and punishment.

For two days I was in a state of fear and avoidance- even though I was telling myself I wanted to feel the feelings- I was still keeping the experience at bay.  I was irritable and grumbling to myself- grrr gotta feel big feelings…

Yesterday I got aggravated with my partner, and exclaimed “I’m sorry I just need to cry- I’ve got a BIG cry to do”

As he was asking me- or suggesting that I could cry- right then and there- I realized I had been in facade with him too.  I had kept myself cloaked, and “protective” of my deepest guttural wails.  I realized I wasn’t being humble- I was still in fear of judgement.  As soon as that hit my heart I flung myself on the bed and let it out.  I had kept myself clothed in avoidance for a while and I hadn’t realized it.

I was emotionally naked, which sometimes feels more frightening than physical nakedness.  I sometimes feel that this society values a well crafted persona more than authentic interaction, but when I am truly humble and striving towards healing, I remember the joy, the birthright, the Love that is lighting the way.

 

On Mother’s Day

Our Mother, who is the source of the greatest love is the redeemer of my soul.  

I have been repenting for the two abortions that I committed four years ago and right now I recognize that I’m feeling angry at the prospect of forgiving myself.  How can I forgive myself for the greatest sin a mother could commit?  

When I first learned about God’s law of Repentance and Forgiveness I was overwhelmed with gratitude for Her Mercy and Grace.

Two years later I am feeling stuck, unwilling to forgive myself, still justifying self-punishment and I’m afraid of never fully releasing the dark grey murky matter that is the error in my soul which lead me to make those decisions in the first place.

I am looking for that check list to mark off- feeling like I don’t deserve forgiveness until the checks are marked…. But She has already forgiven me…. how can I continue to deny God’s Grace and stubbornly resist the process of forgiveness?  More tear to shed- Causal tears- not tears sprung from the effects of my actions, but from the depth of my emotional makeup that inspired the actions in the first place.  

I wish so much that we would know the true value of life and live in harmony with God’s Way of Love… I am learning it everyday, in faith, through my will, humbly.

 

 

On Fear, Quick-Fixes & Standing by What We Believe

On Fearlessness….is it contagious? It feels contagious right now….

24 hours after reading this blog post I am overwhelmed.  I am seriously looking at how and why I share the Divine Truth that I have been learning by way of two teachers; Jesus and Mary.

I’ve been sharing Divine Love principles with my brother who is in grief over a breakup, but fearful of revealing where I got this guidance from in the first place. I’ve been grateful every time I see and feel God’s Truth in unexpected ppl and places, but hesitant to add more and point to my teachers. I pray to God, in gratitude for Jesus and Mary, and I think I’m now learning how I can better express my gratitude in real, meaningful, loving ways…..

Notes Along The Way

Recently someone forwarded me the following clip:

My first thought was – why send me this?

What is shared in this clip is one very basic truth that is discussed and built upon in far more depth and detail in recordings of events that I was present at and can be viewed here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here… in fact there are over 1200 hours of video on our youtube channel that bring a far broader context and meaning to the importance of emotions and discuss how they relate to the human soul, God, absolute truth, eternal growth, physical healing, and much, much more.

So this video is not news to me. The people involved are discussing something that I discovered a long time ago.

So why send it?

I can actually think of about four reasons why a person…

View original post 2,308 more words

On Easter

Every day is Holy, we just don’t always ‘see’ it and feel the truth.

Yesterday, on Easter Sunday I made a huge discovery.

I found a stage, in a park, in a parking lot, in the shadow of St. James Cathedral.

I was astounded, flabbergasted, amazed and bewildered that I had not seen this before…that I had never walked those extra ten steps, or turned my head to the right when passing by….I had been completely ignorant of this beautiful plot of plants and an outdoor stage in my neighbourhood.

I attend services at St. James Cathedral…It’s where the Occupy movement had a camp for 40 days in Toronto….It’s where I was baptized two years ago…. It’s where I get to enjoy the conversation and company of other intelligent and hopeful young people. It’s also where I want to do more storytelling and theatre practice.

I’m not sure how, but Courthouse Square- is now a place I know, and 24 hours ago it was veiled, by my own blindness to truly see and feel everything around me.

Walking IN new everyday.

On Good Friday

Everyday is GOOD.

Good day Brothers and Sisters.  This weekend is a particular test for my heart as I identify as Christian, and have only done so recently; two years ago this month. I never was comfortable with contorting my heart to “accept Jesus as my saviour” nor did I ever believe that his blood saved us from our sins. I was an outlier in my relating to him as Brother during the Catechism and in being vocal in questioning the doctrine of the Trinity. I was always very critical of the institution and “surrendering” to a baptismal ceremony was very confronting.

It was a choice I made in how I was relating to our Father, moving from suspicious curiosity to loving commitment and humility.

I recently stopped participating in the eucharist and have been strengthened and confirmed in that commitment to God’s Truth.

The addictions I have to ceremony and shared experiences are no longer controlling me the way they did, but I still do give in to them, with awareness, on occasion, but less and less so. Today I participated in part of a Good Friday service and felt about how much I still shirk responsibility, how much I still repeat old patterns because of fear.

The Good Friday service is kind of like ripping off a scab before the wound has had a chance to heal.  I feel like every year the scar grows and grows. Instead of moving forward in the truth of eternal life with God’s Love, in the truth of repentance, forgiveness and redemption, in the truth of  the New Covenant, instead of moving forward the institution wallows and reinforces error and injury on this day more so than any other service through the year.  Anger came up and I imagined myself in discussion with the clergy on these matters.  Then I recalled that God is much more persuasive 😉 and prayed for more Love, and Courage that I may lead by example in how I interact with others in and outside of the institution.  I imagined a time when I could freely share everything I’ve been learning and experiencing with other Christians, and Pagans, and New Agers and Atheists without  judgement and condescension on my part or theirs….or at least without fear of their judgement and condescension.

On this Good Friday I am acknowledging and choosing to feel feelings about how confronting Jesus was to the establishment.  Especially to the financial establishment- and how today we are still in a cloud of error.

I felt about how much greed & mammon still rule the world, and the fear & reluctance I still have about standing in truth and confronting that particular error and injury-  it’s a lot! wowza!

I feel that the religious institution that I am a part of – and how I was called to be a part of it are an integral piece of my journey to be able to stand firmly in God’s Truth regarding the money changers as I come to experience it more and more every day.

 

More on money changers soon… the seeds of St. James and the Occupy movement in Toronto are sprouting.

Everyday is good.

On a Creativity Cleanse ~update~

The moon is growing and the spring feasts are beginning. I have not been disciplined in my intake of water, or writing morning and night, but I have noticed a greater sense of acceptance and freedom in HUMILITY. I am IN the emotions that come up from the depths of my soul. I am IN the flow of feeling. I am not ashamed or afraid to express it. I am owning it and even when I cross the line and say something in a way that is unloving I am quick to feel repentant and apologize. I have been taking more pictures. I have started a new collage project. I will write tonight. Everything feels shaky and uncertain. My self-concept is dissolving and evolving everyday. I feel full of contradictions. I am broken and angry about it. I am lost and sad about it. I am distrustful and vengeful about it. I’m a mess….I “think” my faith is being built, but right now I’m exhausted in this shedding, fatigued by this discombobulation. Changes are changes- sometimes they flow through quickly- but these BIG changes are taking a lot longer. RAW.

On A Creativity Cleanse

I’ve been inspired today by some fellow spiritual artists as well as important social justice conversation and the fresh spring smell in the air. I have taken off my masks over the last few weeks. I confronted my self and a lot of stuff I was in denial about. I feel humble and ready to go deeper to really make habit the emotional changes I have experienced recently.

I’m going on a creativity cleanse….one I’m making up as I go along. I am going to severely limit the media I ingest. I am going to begin and end each day writing. I am going to drink more water. I am going to do longer meditations without any guides. I am going to face the feelings I’m afraid of feeling and paint it out. Everyday I will ask my guides for a quick creativity challenge.

I have a few creative projects to attend to- but over the next 11 days they are not the priority. I am the priority. I am learning what love for myself feels like. I am learning what courage feels like. I am learning what freedom feels like. I am learning what self-responsibility feels like. I am learning what truth feels like.

On Anger

The mild irritation
The aggravation

The wish for destruction

The implication
is that I am stuck at a station
waiting for a train
called ‘relieve me of this pain’.
I am stuck at a station without explanation
The rage
is a cage
until I light the torch that turns the page.
The next chapter is exciting
this is the part I find the hidden passage.
I was standing on it all this time
in that cage
in that station
of general mild aggravation
but it wasn’t mild
and now with a torch I see the door underfoot
and I open it to the deep deep depths of darkness
grief and fear are near,
do i descend?
Do I follow this path to the end?
Layers of earth and layers of emotions
Layers of time and layers of life
Layers of hurt and layers of strife
mine and ours and ours and mine.
Ancestors come to mind and how they chose time and time
and time and on
the same choices
all the same conclusions gone.
I am descending I am past suppressing.
I am challenging mine and ours and ours and mine
It was not ok to hurt me that way even though you hurt in that way and you would say I hurt cause you hurt and then the whole world
is blind.
So no, it’s not ok- it is not the same
I have left the station
I was yelling and screaming and banging the cage of rage

I raged out my mild aggravation, but it wasn’t mild at all.

I hit the cage and the torch fell to my feet.

That irritation, I breathed out on fiery breath from the depths,

call me dragon.

And so I’ve lit the torch
I am descending
to get to the ending
to the fiery core
burning tears
burning fears
warming my soul to
love
to truth
love from truth
truth to love.

On telling stories

I approach this medium with some hesitation and fear of being misunderstood. As a performer I depend on my body language and tone to convey most of my true meaning. Without sharing a space with you how am I really going to be able to convey my experience, or offer the full essence of whatever story I do choose to share in this medium? I feel this is an experiment in experience. It is also an experiment in story, what happens when I offer up my unrefined bits of story in The Great Story through this medium? Often I am grateful for reading someone else’s thoughts/words/phrases, as it opens up a feeling inside of me to uncover more about myself and the world.  So I hope I can offer some of that to whomever stumbles upon this collection of stories. I don’t assume to be profound, or poetic or puny. Sometimes, though, it just ends up that way. So if you are willing to dig through the mess, the grime, the grit and feel what I’m writing, we just might find a few diamonds.