oneveronica

on the way

Month: May, 2014

On Nakedness

Emotional nakedness. Physical nakedness. Dreams. Art. Fear of a man’s anger.

These are the things I think of when considering nakedness.

I’ve been facing the wall of avoidance that I have been choosing instead of feeling the deep grief and terror that caused me to commit unloving actions, such as the abortions mentioned in the previous post.

What I have learned is that I built an arsenal of avoidance tactics out of fear of judgment and punishment.

For two days I was in a state of fear and avoidance- even though I was telling myself I wanted to feel the feelings- I was still keeping the experience at bay.  I was irritable and grumbling to myself- grrr gotta feel big feelings…

Yesterday I got aggravated with my partner, and exclaimed “I’m sorry I just need to cry- I’ve got a BIG cry to do”

As he was asking me- or suggesting that I could cry- right then and there- I realized I had been in facade with him too.  I had kept myself cloaked, and “protective” of my deepest guttural wails.  I realized I wasn’t being humble- I was still in fear of judgement.  As soon as that hit my heart I flung myself on the bed and let it out.  I had kept myself clothed in avoidance for a while and I hadn’t realized it.

I was emotionally naked, which sometimes feels more frightening than physical nakedness.  I sometimes feel that this society values a well crafted persona more than authentic interaction, but when I am truly humble and striving towards healing, I remember the joy, the birthright, the Love that is lighting the way.

 

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On Mother’s Day

Our Mother, who is the source of the greatest love is the redeemer of my soul.  

I have been repenting for the two abortions that I committed four years ago and right now I recognize that I’m feeling angry at the prospect of forgiving myself.  How can I forgive myself for the greatest sin a mother could commit?  

When I first learned about God’s law of Repentance and Forgiveness I was overwhelmed with gratitude for Her Mercy and Grace.

Two years later I am feeling stuck, unwilling to forgive myself, still justifying self-punishment and I’m afraid of never fully releasing the dark grey murky matter that is the error in my soul which lead me to make those decisions in the first place.

I am looking for that check list to mark off- feeling like I don’t deserve forgiveness until the checks are marked…. But She has already forgiven me…. how can I continue to deny God’s Grace and stubbornly resist the process of forgiveness?  More tear to shed- Causal tears- not tears sprung from the effects of my actions, but from the depth of my emotional makeup that inspired the actions in the first place.  

I wish so much that we would know the true value of life and live in harmony with God’s Way of Love… I am learning it everyday, in faith, through my will, humbly.