On, not off

by oneveronica

So I surrendered, and I received, and the light filled every crack of my soul- and there were more cracks than I knew before, but now I know, and I can never unknown.

I have been feeling completely overwhelmed with grief and feelings of self-hatred over the last few weeks. Seeing myself honestly in a way I’ve never seen myself before, feeling disgusted with myself in a way I’ve never felt before. I pray everyday for help to investigate these emotional injuries, errors and their causes.

“Oh, that thing I did, I said, I thought, I felt…oh no no no, I am so horrible” I could keep repeating this script to myself for thousands of years, but that would be hopeless, ignorant, and just another sin on my soul. When people talk about resilience they are talking about what I am praying for everyday.

I am keeping myself turned ON, listening, praying, borrowing grace from a place deep within my soul that is not hopeless, that is the seed of the potential, the piece of me that is already won for God.

My sensitivities to spirit influence are helping me feel when I am being hooked into through feelings of worthlessness, wretchedness, and self-pity. slowly but surely I am becoming aware of their influence over my internal monologue. I am on to them, thanks to God and that little seed of hope.

9 months ago I prayed for help in resolving gender issues as that was my greatest block to receiving God’s Divine Love and improving our relationship. I now see the patterns clearly, I am repenting and I am forgiving, I am healing…. and I am struggling with feeling I deserve healing, but at least I am struggling, I have not given up, I am on it.